


I'm Not Going Anywhere

by ScientistSalarian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9867563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian/pseuds/ScientistSalarian
Summary: Taking place directly after the Cure the Genophage mission on Tuchanka, Liara tells Garrus that Shepard isn't dealing well with the aftermath and the death of Mordin Solus. Garrus decides to go to Shepard's quarters and comfort her as best he can.





	

_"I'll sleep when I'm dead."_ Her words echoed in his mind. He knew that the war was taking a toll on her but she always somehow found a way to put a positive spin on even the most hopeless situations. It was a simultaneously maddening and admirable quality. Those five words, dripping with the bitterness of lost friends, exhaustion and loneliness played relentlessly in his mind. He had tried to be there for her as best he could but spirits, he wasn't the most experienced when it came these things. 

When Liara came to find him, expressing her concerns over Shepard's mental health, he knew he had to do something. Shepard hadn't left her quarters in many hours which was unusual. Even after their toughest missions she was usually seen roaming the ship, checking in on everyone, spending time with whoever needed her company at the moment. After Tuchanka though, she went directly to her quarters and hadn't spoken to anyone since Liara's visit.

He looked down at his feet as he took the elevator up to her quarters. He tried to think of something to say but deep down he knew that mere words weren't going to be enough. He knocked on her door "It's me Shepard, are you ok?" he said anxiously.

"It's open. You don't need to knock by the way. If you walk in on me naked, it wouldn't be the first time." she teased. She quickly dried her eyes not wanting him to know that she had been crying. She always wanted to appear strong for him but her resolve was wearing thin. She didn't even know why she tried to hide it at this point. Elle Shepard trusted him more than anyone in the galaxy but she wanted to be strong for him, always. Shepard knew that her eyes, red from the tears, would give her away though. Not to mention the smudged makeup. 

When he walked through the door he saw her wrapped in a blanket on the couch staring out the window with an empty bottle on the floor at her feet. He sat down beside her not saying anything for a moment. She rested her head against him and all at once the emotions poured out of her like a torrential rain. "Fuck Garrus. I'm so sorry." she cursed as she began to cry. "I can't lose anyone else. I say that over and over and then I think about how lucky I am. There are people out there that have lost everything and I can't even handle losing a fraction of what they have."

He pulled her in and held her close. He had never seen her cry and didn't know how to begin to comfort her. He stroked her hair and she buried her face in his chest. "You don't have to face this alone. I...don't want you to." he finally said. He hesitated, scared he might say the wrong thing and upset her more. "You're not selfish for feeling grief Shepard. Even if there are people who lost everything, you're allowed to...I don't know. You're allowed to feel things too." He wished he had something more profound but he was at a loss.

"He was one of my best friends Garrus. When we were fighting the Collectors I used to stop by his lab after every mission. It was the first place I'd go. I'd use the computer to research upgrades and we'd just...shoot the shit you know?" Garrus knew they spent a lot of time together but never knew how close they actually were. "You know he gave me sex advice? As soon as he knew I was interested in you, he gave me information on um...positions and things. Painkillers too, just in case." she laughed thinking back. "I wonder how he found out about that, come to think of it."

"Yeah, apparently when I asked Joker for Turian/human vids, he asked Mordin about 'hypothetical Turian-human spiky-headed babies' and if the result would still have your hair. Needless to say, Mordin figured things out pretty quickly from there." Garrus remarked.

Shepard smiled before the realization hit once more that he was gone. "I'll miss his singing. It always made me happy and after all the things we saw when we were fighting the Collectors, I needed it. I made EDI swear not to tell anyone about it but we used to sing together. He's a much better singer than me but it didn't matter. It was our silly thing that we did together and I'll never get to have that again. He won't get to have that again. Dammit, I can't stop thinking about how it should have been me. 'Had to be me.' he'd always say. But did it? What if I could have gone up to the top of the shroud and somehow made it out alive. Maybe we'd both be here. Maybe there would have been another way. I just can't stop running scenarios through my mind and it's killing me Garrus." 

Garrus wiped the tears from her eyes and she smiled at him. She moved from her spot on the couch to his lap where he wrapped his arms around her tightly. He kissed the top of her head and she sighed as she settled into him. "I know you try to be strong for me Shepard but I want you to know that I'm here for you. Always. Even if I'm bad at these sorts of things I'll do what I can. I just don't want you to be alone. There was nothing you could have done and you're just going to drive yourself crazy thinking like that. He sacrificed himself because he believed it was worth it." 

She looked up and kissed him gently. "I know but still....I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have you Garrus." she kissed him again, this time longer. "I have these nightmares Garrus, I see that kid. You know, the one that died on Earth. And I hear voices. Ash and Mordin. It's so vivid it's like they're all there with me somehow. I'm always chasing the boy, but it's like I'm running in slow motion and by the time I reach him...." she stopped not wanting to talk about it any further. "I know Thane is dying too and I just don't want him to join them even though I know it's inevitable. Keprel's Syndrome can't be cured and I just can't bare to lose someone else I love. Everyone that's ever served on the Normandy, they're family to me and I love them as though we were blood. I never knew my family, you know that. Growing up on Earth I was always surrounded by people but I never had anyone I could call family. I mean there were the Tenth Street Reds but can you really call a gang a family? This ship is the only home I've ever had and this crew, they're the only family I'd have and I'd do anything for them.

"You guys are all I have. Ash's death hit me hard but she and I butted heads a lot. We had only just started to open up to each other before Virmire. With her I mourned the relationship we could have had, you know? But Mordin was a best friend and a brother and I'm just not ready to lose that. I don't think you ever can be. After all our bickering about the Genophage, he gave his life to cure it and I just hope the Krogan appreciate that sacrifice. There will never be anyone quite like Mordin. Every Krogan born from now on has some big shoes to fill is all I'm saying."

"And I'm sure you'll headbutt any Krogan that doesn't appreciate it." Garrus reckoned.

"You're goddamn right." she replied. "How do you deal with it? Losing people I mean."

"To be honest, I don't tend to get close to people, certainly not the way you have. I admire the fact that you're not afraid to...what's the human saying, 'wear your heart on your sleeve'? I guess it's just not in my nature but when I do lose someone that means something to me, I bottle it up until I either get drunk or shoot things. Or both. Usually both. I doubt any doctor worth a damn would recommend those as 'healthy coping mechanisms' though."

"Drunkenly shooting things sounds like fun at least." she sighed and once again rested her head against him. "Thank you for coming up to check on me Garrus. I mean it. I've never been one to reach out when I need someone and I really need someone right now. Not just someone, I need you." she stood up to fetch a couple bottles from her nightstand.

"Oh good. Because if you weren't picky about who, I'd send Javik up. I'm sure that would be entertaining at the very least. Javik the grief counselor, can you even imagine?"

She grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it at Garrus. "You're lucky I'm drunk. And that you're so cute." Shepard poured a glass of dextro whiskey for Garrus and a glass of wine for herself. "To Doctor Mordin Solus, the very model of a scientist, Salarian!" she exclaimed. 

"The next Reaper we destroy, it's in his honor." Garrus answered as he took a swig from the glass. He stood up and Shepard set her glass down on the table and wrapped her arms around him once more. 

"Stay here Garrus. Otherwise I'll just sit here and wallow and no one wants that. Ash would tell me " _with all due respect_ Commander, quit crying". And Salarians can apparently process emotions faster than they speak, so he'd be less than amused at all this sadness I suppose."

Garrus picked her up and placed her gently on the bed. He curled up and pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her soft red hair. "I'm not going anywhere Shepard. Besides, I'm reasonably sure I've already got your hair tangled in my mandibles...again."

She giggled at his awkwardness, "You always know how to set the mood, Garrus."

"If you wanted a smooth talker you'd be with someone like Vega. Face it Shepard, you like awkward, romantically challenged Turians with facial scars."

"Well, let's hope Victus doesn't take a rocket to the face and then try to make a pass at me or you're in trouble." she warned.

"As soon as I untangle myself from your hair I will make you regret that." he said flirtatiously. 

Shepard smiled and pressed herself against him. She was grateful to have him there to lift her spirits. Her heart still ached but the banter between herself and Garrus was a welcome respite from the despair she'd felt only a few minutes earlier. _No matter what,_ she vowed to herself, _I am going to enjoy every last moment I'm lucky enough to have._ She gently untangled herself from Garrus and pinned him to the bed, kissing him deeply. _Especially every moment I have with him._


End file.
